Everything in life happens in phases. We see, learn, grow, change - constantly. It's refreshing how much we change as humans with each passing day because therein lies a promise of better, different, new.
It is possible that I am stuck in a phase that I hoped would go away sooner - one I was sure I would grow out of. One that I absolutely didn’t want to vocalize for fear of making it real. I absolutely love children but I do not look forward to birthing any of my own. I am one of them.
I am patient with every child I encounter. I talk to them, play with them, answer their questions, explain things to them, high five them and kiss them on the forehead as often as it crosses my mind. I enjoy my interactions with them - children of all ages - except the ones that are disguised as grown men. Spending time with children makes me happy - including the ones that are disguised as grown men.
People tell me not to make negative confessions when I mention that I don’t want to have children. I don’t consider it negative. It's just what it is. It won’t hurt anyone if I don’t. It’s not against the law. It’s not going to make me sad. I genuinely don’t see the negatives - at least not yet.
Right now, I see more negatives in having them. The World is a mess. I am not financially secure. I am single in a Country where I can’t adopt without a man’s surname and I am still selfish. What good would it be to bring a human into the World who didn’t ask for any of this drama?
I come from a family that values family, unity, community. I was raised on an overdose of love. I am blessed to have both parents still alive, married & happy together. We always had a great relationship and still do so there’s nothing in that story that has brought me to this place. As much as I have tried to rationalise it, I choose to remind myself that I don’t need to explain myself to anyone right now. I just don’t want them (yet).
Another thing I choose is to believe that I will eventually change my mind. It’s possible - but unlikely. I am not opposed to the possibility. I like to think that I have an open mind.
If a time comes when I am interested in being intensely hormonal for 9 months, being in intense pain & possibly needing surgery to take delivery of the human in me, having my vagina sewn up after birthing and then (let me skip many steps here) being anxious for the rest of my life because I know that I can’t protect them forever... Then I will definitely be open to bringing a child into our World of patriarchy that is sprinkled with small but remarkable wins for the feminist movement.
For now, plant mom.